How to maintain healthy boundaries in relationships
Six habits to secure your peace and facilitate growth
Do you have someone in your life that knows how far they can they go with you and actively takes care not to cross that line?
Relationships with healthy boundaries are dope to have.
As kids, our boundaries with others are often established and enforced by our parents, à la “don’t talk to strangers!” or “sharing is caring!” In young adulthood, we’re expected to cultivate our own social dynamics. Unfortunately, not all of us experience that freedom, and of those who do, few learn to establish mutually healthy dynamics. Have you ever reconnected with someone you fell out with only to again find yourself in the same situation as before?
If you’re one of those that can’t seem to create and enforce what comes down to mutual respect, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that, like Walter, it’s never too late to reexamine your relationships and set clear standards about how you will be treated by those you allow into your life.
The bad news is that depending on where you are in life, challenging the status quo can suck—sometimes really badly. Imagine the difference between a teenager deciding he will no longer give his friend free rides in his new car, versus a husband telling his wife that he deserves to be treated better. One risks losing a friend, the other risks losing his kids and fortune. It’s up to you to decide how much risk you‘re willing to accept. Do remember that just because something is challenging doesn’t mean it will ruin your life.
If you decide to take the reins of your relationships, you will see immediate and long-term benefits despite any initial discomfort. I’ll suggest basic habits for you to adopt and explain the benefits of each.
So what does it look like to maintain mutually respectful relationships?
- Communicate to your friend or partner your preferences, likes, and dislikes. This allows them the opportunity to show respect. There’s a lot to unpack here, and I list this first for good reason. Nobody can read your mind. How can someone know for sure they’re crossing you without you saying anything? Assumptions kill. By giving a person the clear option of crossing a line or not, you establish an unspoken bond that encourages deeper understanding and mutual trust.
Realize that it’s on you to clearly establish the standard. You never know how a person was raised or the experiences that inform their perspective. Maybe leaving or hanging up without saying goodbye is common in their family? Some cultures kiss cheeks as greetings, whereas in America, it might be considered an affront for us to kiss someone of the opposite sex. The best way to prevent yourself from becoming needlessly hurt over nothing is to open your mouth. - Stand for your preferences. When someone requests you do something and you would prefer not to, 99 times out of 100 you should just say so. Maybe your boss has started excessively contacting you outside of office hours for work; you could be doing anything in the world on your off time, so consider erecting a boundary to your personal time.
You don’t have to refuse each deal that isn’t in your favor (a verbal acknowledgement that you’re compromising could be enough), but the benefit to be gained from just going along is dwarfed by the potential mutual satisfaction of both parties getting what they want. Otherwise, the feeling of inconsideration can create confusion that, unresolved, snowballs into jealousy or resentment. - Recognize your triggers so that you can help people avoid unintentionally crossing you. For every time you get upset with someone, ask yourself: what exactly about the situation bothered me? Why do I feel they did me wrong? Did they use a word that I historically take offense to? Did they make an assumption that made me feel undervalued? Narrowing down the issue will make it easier for the other party to adjust their future behavior.
For example: You tell your friend, “I didn’t like it when you didn’t grab me anything when you went to Starbucks.” Your issue on the surface could be that they didn’t think of you, but the underlying assumption is that the person will put puzzle pieces together and solve a problem that possibly just isn’t on their mind. Since a common source of frustration comes from failed expectations, a more constructive response could be, “I love coffee. Can you give me a heads-up next time you’re going to Starbucks?”
Digging into the root of your bad feelings may place you in a vulnerable state. However, this is a building block for effective communication. - Address past transgressions. If time has passed since a person has tested or overstepped your boundary, you can (and should) still resolve it. For example, “Hey, the other day it upset me when you told my business to Bob. I overlooked it because at the time, we were in public and having fun, and I didn’t want to ruin the mood.”
Clearing the air shows that you are committed to and value positive relations with the person. However, if they react defensively or accuse you of “bringing up old news”, chances are you should adjust your expectations and boundaries accordingly. (See Distance)
Be careful that you don’t expect them to go back in time and fix the mistake. Keep in mind that you may have inadvertently allowed it to happen through your own miscommunication. - Distance yourself emotionally (or physically) from people that do not respect you. This is the second most important point, because ultimately you only control what you communicate and how you react.
The entire point of having boundaries is to ensure you do not end up hurt or resentful. Is someone upset that you’ve pulled away from them? Oh well. Afraid they will react negatively and blow things out of proportion? That would happen inevitably if they’re the type to disregard your well-being.
Cutting people off — emotionally or physically — is a choice just as difficult as it is important. When you weigh your thoughts about “they’ve been in my life for so long”, or “family means everything to me”, or “but the sex is so good!” … weigh the damage you’re doing to yourself by marginalizing your happiness in exchange.
You’re the one that has to live your life, not anyone else. Do not let shame, embarrassment, or adversity stop you from prioritizing your health. F*ck someone’s hurt feelings.
- Consult a trusted friend or specialist. Our biases and expectations can obscure the underlying dynamics at play. Having a healthy support and feedback network helps immensely. These are people that are willing to listen to you fully and try not to project their own intentions or biases onto your situation. Discuss your feelings (as carefully as you can while still being honest) with different people to gain as many perspectives as possible. Analyze those along with your own conclusions, and make an executive decision.
After adopting these practices, chances are that in as little as a week you will start to see your relationships differently. You may clear a point of tension that opens the relationship up for new opportunities (think of the “starting over” feeling after you and a friend resolve an argument). The release of constant interpersonal tension could motivate you to pursue passions and take time for yourself; in other words, you will feel more secure in caring about yourself. Also possible is that you will feel a lasting tension until you and the other person come to an agreement of respectable boundaries. These results and phases are normal! Step into them fully and don’t look back.
Think about it. You don’t have to welcome people that don’t mesh with you. You don’t HAVE to do anything! You could walk into the street and be killed by a car now if you want. Your choice to be here and, further, your choice to engage in relationships is a privilege to others — it is absolutely not a right. So why not do it on your terms? ***
